So your partner is HIV positive and you’re not?
By Anthony Hair

Being the HIV negative half of a serodiscordant relationship can be just as challenging as being the positive individual.

You may not be the one taking fistfuls of medications or enduring endless doctor appointment after doctor appointment,

however, your partner’s diagnosis has significantly altered your life as much as their own.

If your partner’s diagnosis was recent you have several options before you –

You can stay with your partner and continue with your relationship
 
Under the new understanding that things will never be quite like they were before the diagnosis. That is not to say that there won’t be extraordinary moments of intimacy or grand, new adventures waiting for you to discover together, but your lives as a couple will now be colored by the diagnosis going forward. Yes, life goes on and most likely will return to a comfortable level of normalcy but living with HIV/AIDS is now a part of both of your lives.

You can leave your partner and end your relationship
 
No one will hate you or think you are a horrible person for leaving. As with any breakup there might be some hurt feelings and bad words exchanged in the beginning but ultimately your HIV positive partner will eventually understand your decision and be grateful for it. If you are unable to deal with the diagnosis and support your partner through the first steps of their new life then chances are that potentially more challenging times that may lie ahead for them could only be worsened by your delayed decision to leave. Don’t stay in a relationship out of guilt.
 
You can redefine your relationship

Perhaps you can’t see your relationship with your partner continuing to be a romantic one but also feel the need to support your friend through a very difficult time for them. After all most of us recognize that sex is only one aspect of a partnership. Relationships by their very nature are individualistic and flexible. You and your partner can decide what the terms and conditions of your unique connection are going to be. Talk it out between the two of you and see if you can’t arrive at a new relationship in which you both feel loved, supported and understood.
Maybe right now you don’t know if you want to stay, go or redefine your relationship. That is completely understandable as well. Getting the news that your partner is HIV positive when you are not is almost as devastating as being diagnosed yourself. You are most likely experiencing a flood of different emotions and mood swings ranging from acceptance to denial. Take time to sort out what you are feeling and thinking before making any life-changing decisions. After you are certain you have arrived at your decision, be honest. Speak what you truly feel and be brave in dealing with a challenging time for everyone who has ever unfortunately gone through it. No matter what choices you make you will need courage to see your determination through.
 
 
What about the “window period” for HIV?

One concern that may be on the forefront of your mind if you tested negative and your partner tested positive is the much discussed “window period” for HIV. For an extremely comprehensive look at the window period and what it means to you visit http://www.hivguidelines.org

Living with a Partner who has HIV/AIDS

by Anthony Hair

When most people think about serodiscordant couples their first thoughts often are of the couple’s sex life. It is true that when one partner is HIV positive and the other is negative there is much to be negotiated in this area of the couple’s relationship, but it is typically far from the major focus of their lives together. Below is a list of some other important topics for a serodiscordant couple to discuss and arrive at an agreement on –

Finances: One of the biggest components of many relationships and the source of most arguments between all couples is money. A serodiscordant couple’s financial situation can be even more challenging than normal, particularly if the HIV positive person is eventually unable to work due to illness. Having a plan in place for this potential circumstance will help both partners feel prepared for that outcome if it does ever occur.

Healthcare: With the astronomical cost of healthcare, this topic is often included with finances as an area of concern for serodiscordant couples but it should also be considered on its own. Since each class of HIV medications have their own side effects, many of which that can alter the patient’s mood, memory, etc. it is crucial that the HIV negative partner is a part of the discussion with the doctor on which regimen of medications that the positive person is prescribed. Being in the loop allows the HIV negative individual the ability to monitor their partner for subtle changes or possible side effects from their meds.

Estate Planning: Everyone hates dealing with bureaucratic red tape. However this distaste should never become an excuse for not addressing your estate planning needs. Nor should the desire to not consider possible worse case scenarios act as an obstacle to completing this very important task. It doesn’t matter if you are independently wealthy or barely financially solvent. Estate planning is more than just writing a will. It includes both selecting the person you would want to manage your personal care and how healthcare decisions will be made during your lifetime if you or your partner become unable to care for yourselves.

Mental Health: Dealing with your partner’s positive diagnosis can be devastating. You may feel that all the dreams you and your partner shared of growing old together were dashed with finding out your test results. In truth with all the advances in medicine, your partner could very possibly outlive you. However, you may need someone besides your partner to discuss your feelings with. There are plenty of trained professionals out there who can help you. Many of these psychologists, social workers and counselors even specialize in advising HIV positive patients and their partners.

There are also numerous support groups and couples counseling for those that may benefit from these forms of therapy. If your partner does become ill or even dies, additional psychological stresses including survivor’s guilt could become an issue. Don’t feel weak for asking for help or seeking out a mental health practitioner.
It is not only the HIV positive partner who can benefit from mental health services. Positive Support Association has peer mentors available to HIV negative partners of positive individuals as well. In order to fully support and care for your positive partner, you may need someone to talk to who understands your point of view. You must make sure that you are taking care of yourself and feel strong and capable in order to properly support and care for your positive loved one.

Social Lives: The stigma that unfortunately many people attach to people living with HIV/AIDS can act as a social barrier for a serodiscordant couple. A newly diagnosed individual may suffer from lowered self esteem, guilt or anxiety due to their condition even if there are no outwardly visible signs of it. It doesn’t matter if the stigma comes from outside the relationship or within, it needs to be dealt with and resolved. Mental health counseling is an excellent option for dealing with this potential problem. Becoming active in support groups, non-profit organizations or charitable events is also a fun and rewarding way to become part of a new community. I am sure you would be surprised at the number of new friends waiting to make your acquaintance once you open yourselves up to the possibility.

Many of the above topics are much more complex than this website has time and space to consider. Our hope is that the above list will at the very least get you and your partner thinking, talking and possibly taking some steps to make the appropriate arrangements for the two of you. Additionally, since HIV/AIDS is a disease that seems to rob those who are impacted by it of much of the control they feel they have over their lives, actions like estate planning and mental health counseling can help you gain greater control over the situation you now find yourself in.

Some Helpful Tips for Staying Healthy

The following section is full of suggestions of how to keep yourself healthy so you can be a committed and supportive partner to someone with HIV/AIDS.
As the old saying goes, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Although this maxim can apply to protecting the HIV negative partner from becoming positive, it also applies to the negative individual’s responsibility to keep their partner as healthy as possible. Taking healthy precautions can not only prevent you from becoming ill but also help you avoid passing on the flu, colds and other common illnesses to your partner.

• Get the annual seasonal flu vaccine
• Take daily vitamins
• Drink plenty of water or other fluids
• Practice regular hand washing
• Utilize alcohol-based hand sanitizer
• Avoid close contact with sick people
• Get regular doses of fresh air
• Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth since germs are often spread that way.
• Cover your sneezes and coughs
• Exercise regularly
• Maintain a healthy, balanced diet full of fruits and vegetables
• Eat yogurt
• If you are a smoker, stop smoking
• Reduce your consumption of alcohol
• Enjoy a sauna if you are able, especially during flu season
• Take time to yourself to relax and/or meditate

This site contains HIV prevention messages that might not be appropriate for all audiences.

Since HIV infection is spread primarily through sexual practices or by sharing needles, prevention messages and programs may address these topics. If you are not seeking such information or may be offended by such materials, please exit this website. Copyright 2009 by Positive Support Association Inc.